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By Tom Hoobyar

Article Word Count 1136, average reading time 4.5 minutes.

What comes up for you when you smell baking cookies of a certain kind? Or the smell of onions sautéing in butter, or something familiar from childhood baking in the oven?

Do you remember the rainy day classroom smells of paste, chalk, pencil shavings, and wet outer-wear drying on hooks?

How about the smell of summer? What did it mean to you?

Have you ever heard a certain song on the radio that sent you back in time to another moment in your life?

What feelings are triggered by these memories? Did they surprise you?

Speaking personally, I can't go into a friend's barn without having the smells of straw, horse sweat and saddle leather catapult me back into my past as a city-bred teenager struggling to learn my job as a cowboy.

And if I'm near a boat dock, the combination of sea air and diesel fuel brings me memories of the foreign piers I walked as a young sailor.

And the feelings come flooding back from long ago and far away. These feelings, anchored in the past, are triggered by events in the present.

So the triggering sounds, smells or other sensations in the present that bring us these feelings are called "anchors."

Usually, such an anchor just triggers a memory and perhaps a quiet nostalgia for the past. For me, with the life I've lived, many of these memories trigger quiet and very private amusement.

But sometimes, of course, the anchor can trigger a stronger feeling - and if the feeling interferes with a person's enjoyment of the present we can work with it and usually resolve it.

I've done coaching with crime victims and veterans carrying unhappy past experiences, and they had anchors from those experiences that were bothersome. In NLP we have tools for relieving this suffering.

Here's an interesting thing about how our minds work. Sometimes they work in reverse.

Sometimes feelings are the anchor instead of the reaction. Sometimes feelings in the present will trigger attitudes from the past. And if we pay close attention to ourselves and those around us we can notice when it happens.

This is a good thing, because if we regard issues in the present with attitudes from the past that we're not aware of, we can get things really screwed up.

Here's an example from a conversation I had with our youngest son Jared a couple of days ago. It was personal but I don't think he'll mind if I share it with you.

I need to give you some background. I came into his life ten years ago, when he was fifteen. At that time he was a fatherless teenager with a working mom. I think Jared would be the first to tell you that he had a difficult time as a teenager and was a "late bloomer".

I married his mom and, as a new step-dad, I needed to be patient and sensitive with him. During the last ten years he and I have become more than family - we've become close friends.

He's now working as an outside agent in business-to-business sales, and he's doing really well. He has a sixteen-month-old son (named after me!) and he's grown into an excellent father and provider.

I was working at home when the phone rang at my desk. I usually have my work line silenced when I'm writing, but with three young adult children and six grandchildren I always leave the house phone on.

I picked it up to find Jared on the line.

"Hey," he said, "got a minute?"

"Well, I'm writing against a deadline, but what do you need?"

"Oh, it's nothing I guess. Could you have Mom give me a call when she gets home?"

My wife Vikki is a psychotherapist and frequently works evenings.

"Gee, Jared, this is her long day. She's got clients this evening."

I heard a sigh at the other end of the line.

"Okay, I guess I'll catch you later," he said.

"Hey, wait a minute," I said quickly. "What's up? I got some time."

"I don't know, man," he said with a rush. "My boss is just disrespecting me and giving me grief, you know? He treats me like a kid."

More background. Jared is the only one hired by this company without a college degree, and he's the youngest by at least ten years. And he's doing quite well.

"So, how's he treating you like a kid?" I asked.

"Well, he's hassling me to use the computer in the office to enter my data, and I can get more business done if I work from home. He talks down to me all the time."

"Is there a way you can let him know to lighten up? How're you doing on sales?"

"I'm doing great! I'm selling more than the adults!"

Bingo.

"Hey, Jared," I said slowly. "Did you hear what you just said?"

"Huh? Yeah, I said that I was selling more than the other guys."

"Well, no, that's not exactly what you said. You said, 'I'm selling more than the adults.'"

"Ohhhhh." Long silence, then he chuckled. "That's not so good."

I have to say this; Jared's grown into a fine young man with an excellent sense of humor about his own foibles. He's fun to be around and it's really fun watching him learn about life.

"So," I said, beginning to swing into a gentle coaching mode.

"Yeah, yeah, Tom, you don't need to say any more," he was still chuckling. "You're just gonna point out that no matter where I go, there I am!"

"Well, something like that," I said. "So, do you think that maybe your expectation that you'd be treated like a kid is flavoring what you think is happening?"

"Yeah, probably. Thanks. It's amazing. I had no idea I said that," He told me, "guess I'd better replay those conversations in my head to make sure who said what before I go off on him."

"Good idea," I said. "Anything more we should go over?"

"Nah. Not so serious, I guess. I can sort this out. Thanks, Tom, Seeya."

"Seeya, Jared," I said, and he rang off.

So, that stuck in my mind and I wanted to share it with you. The next time you or someone you know is having difficult feelings about something, listen to the words they use and see if they aren't getting a present situation confused with a past experience.

So often when we listen to someone we listen with just half an ear, for content. And if there's a word out of place we tend to ignore it because it doesn't make sense.

I suggest that it DOES make sense.

Like I said, anchors can work both ways.

Sometimes, when you listen with full attention to someone, you'll hear the "echoes in their minds" as echoes in their words.

And of course, once in a great while the echoes may be in yours, also.

Seeya,

Tom Hoobyar

Planning Director, NLP Comprehensive

(Excerpted from "Friendly Persuasion"), © 2007 by Tom Hoobyar

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